a turning point

this weekend made me realize that yet again, i have morphed into the a different version of myself without noticing. unfortunately, i feel like i went back in time to someone i just couldn't ever quite get a handle on. it's kind of annoying. i feel an extreme lack of self-control, at least as far as doing things that might annoy people are concerned. i am so stuck right now, IN BETWEEN everything. i'm not really sure if i fit into anything or onto anything or around anything. just in between things. this wouldn't be a bad thing, at least if it weren't for the fact that i feel like i've been in between for the last five years. i know i can't leap yet, but at least i know i'm getting closer.

sad bastard music

sometimes i put on music i've written and recorded while i go to sleep. it isn't because i'm narcissistic. it's because i can relate. i gave you much more than i usually give myself in those songs, mostly becuase i can inscribe meaning into them after the fact. but that's important. it's the mark of a good singer/songwriter's song. if everyone can see his or her own life in the lyrics, then they're effective.

it's working on me now. and not because of the things i wrote my songs about in the first place.

love needs a heart

last week one of my good friends got beaten and stabbed by a gang of ten or so random guys.

it's made me really re-think a few things. and it's made me start praying more. i can't help him in any other way than listening to him. and i know that helps, but it doesn't feel like enough. i haven't been in this place in awhile, but i'm starting to remember this feeling, and i don't know what to do with it.

this week, a girl i was really close to in high school (and have since fallen way, way out of touch with) contacted me via myspace. she's married now. and she always had a crush on me. i sort of avoided her most of my senior year of high school, because i was stupid and immature. it dawned on me that since her, i've only had maybe 3 other people who got that close (or anything near to it) and they are, by and large, all gone the same way she went.

i'm starting to feel lonely in a way i've never felt lonely. lonely for being the person who never makes the effort to be better friends, or to stay in touch with old friend. i'm the guy who disappears off the face of the planet and re-emerges five years later, completely different and yet completely the same.

don't worry, i frustrate myself almost as much as i frustrate everyone else around me sometimes.

this sort of loneliness is making me miss my ex-girlfriend. not her, per se, but the feeling of having someone who i knew was there whenever i wanted her or needed her. i miss kate, too. because i think if i've met anyone in the past few years, she's as good a candidate as anyone i've ever met to become the next leap of faith. perhaps i could use one right about now.

i don't find it funny that jackson browne's "love needs a heart" came up on shuffle while i was writing this post. that song sums up my attitude altogether too well these days.

no more mopey shit...

... at least for tonight.

i've been "joking" a lot lately about becoming a rock star. it's not really a joke, though. i know i'm good enough. and i know my songs are doing it for people. i've never gotten a bad reaction yet. i've gotten good press. you know how some people will always float, no matter how deep the water gets? i've been blessed to be one of those people most of the time. and while i may never reach the status of grammy-winning recording artist, i know i've got a future in music.

and that, for the record, is extremely comforting.

still?

i'm finding that i'm still angry at the world. angrier, in fact. i wake up in the morning and look out and see yesterday shifted forward 24 hours. the time is passing, but nothing's changing. my luck has taken a turn for the worse and it's taken my good nature with it.

SIGH. i do a lot of that here, don't i?

paradox

i'm so angry at the world tonight. i can't control it, i can't get what i want, and i can't want what i get. if all i want is to know what i want, does that mean i do or i don't? rather than mindfuck myself, i'm going to sleep. it's the best i can do.

why i'm done with younger women

somehow this feels like the only place i can talk about this. it might have something to do with the fact that nobody reads any of this. anyhow, i mentioned a girl named claire. a couple times, in one way or another. after the last debacle with a girl, i thought i'd be better off taking some time away from "dating", whatever that is. and then i met claire again. i guess there's a lot to be said for chemistry, and we had a very brief fling. it was cut short because a friend of mine has a massive thing for her and while she's not interested in him, he's not interested in getting the point. rather than make it hard for people to be friends with each other (oops, too late, in some cases), she decided it'd be a better idea to wait awhile. and then suddenly, the other night, i'm on the phone with her and she tells me that she was talking to him. and that she really pissed him off. why, i ask.

"i met someone."

o-kaaaay.... i don't get this. claimed she hasn't felt anything in months and months, and she meets this guy and suddenly she's starting to feel again. my only question: why are you telling me this? are you trying to make me feel like shit? because before i was a little frustrated that timing didn't work in our favor, but i didn't really mind that things weren't going to happen with us. it was a pretty easy split, if you ask me. but now? i'm kind of hurt by the fact that meeting me meant SO little. i told her i didn't want a really serious relationship, but i absolutely didn't just want some sort of booty call, either. and she agreed. so, we were somewhere in between for a very insignificant amount of time. and then, suddenly, we were done, and in effect our whole thing turned into (basically) a one-night, one-time hookup. and now i feel slutty. and she probably doesn't even remember.

i guess the point of this is that i'm not sure why she thought she needed to tell me how amazing the new guy was. i don't care that she's dating someone else or that it wasn't me. i just don't want to have to think about the fact that i meant that little to anyone. i'm barely on the radar and i thought i meant a little more than that, i suppose.

the o.my is right

well... as you ("you" in this case being absolutely no one - i hope) might already know, i've spent a good deal of time this weekend catching up on The O.C. it's not because i originally wanted to, but it's actually not that bad a show. i can hate it for being grossly mainstream capitalist america, or i can just embrace the fact that at least music supervisors with good taste can still get work. the latter being more esoteric, of course, but also much more beneficial to me.

curious thing, though. i just finished watching the entire first season (did it in just under 36 hours, too) and, for the sake of getting to sleep eventually, made sure i had a copy of the first episode of the second season as well. just to tie up the stupid cliffhanger loose ends they put on the finales of those shows. anyhow, i made it through the first season feeling moderately moved, mostly because of the (totally unfair) inclusion of some really good scoring, such as jeff buckley's hallelujah, but i didn't actually feel a whole lot more empathy beyond just yelling at the screen at the characters i didn't like. the end, however, was a bit sad. whatever, though, right? it's supposed to be; it's a season finale.

fast forward.

i start watching the way the second season begins and i'm completely blown away. when seth didn't have his friend anymore, he sailed away to portland and frankly, nothing in the last few months has struck a chord like that. which is why i'm writing this in the first place.

at risk of sounding ridiculously sorry for myself and completely maudlin, i'm just going to be honest. i started crying my eyes out every time he was on screen. it should be no surprise that if there was a character on that show with whom i'd empathize the most, it would be seth, and i do. but that was mostly for obvious reasons, at least originally. i'm kind of a smartass and i like music and things like that. i was more of an indoor kid with an imagination, and granted, they paint with the broadest of strokes when they create tv-drama archetypes, but they fine-tuned seth to be a lot like me. thing is, this thought just flashed, screaming, through my head.

you have no one.

you can't run away because you have no one to leave you in the first place. it would seem rather untimely. here was a kid who didn't have a best friend. got a best friend. best friend left. and this is supposed to be easy for people to watch because it makes them feel better about their own relationships in the long run. they cry while watching the show, and then they go out for a beer and have a good week. i, on the other hand, do not feel like it's going to be a good week. mostly because of what got me here in the first place.

my phone hasn't rang in days. not even my family calls me. i don't feel that closeness with anyone. claire, a girl who, for all intents and purposes, i do not know, is the only person i've felt at all close to in the last few weeks. i know things are changing at an alarming rate for me, but they have been for about a year and a half now. let's be honest with ourselves this time, okay?

self? you there? it's me. i just want to point out that you put all of us into a person who turned out not to be the one. and she kept a lot of what you put into her. and you're not okay yet. you're a pretty clever bastard, and pretty self-aware, at least most of the time, but you seem to have missed the boat on this one. don't pretend that this is the first time you've found yourself crying uncontrollably because you feel so alone. don't pretend like you haven't decided about a half a dozen times that you really need to start seeing a therapist. you're writing this down as proof to yourself and to the world that occasionally, you feel this way. it's easy to forget if you try, but immortalizing it on paper (well, conceptual paper in this case) should jog your memory. stop pretending you're fine all the time. you're going to have bad days, and you're going to be bummed, and you're going to have good days too. that's not to say that it's all good or all bad, but it's clearly not right if you feel like this, even if it's only a transitory thing. so do yourself (and me) a favor and go get help soon. stop watching ridiculous tv drama. well, wait till you've caught yourself up on the rest of season two, of course. but then deal with your life. because it's been pretty crazy too. you're not getting into fights or sleeping with your ex-girlfriend's mother yet, but things haven't been exactly stable, either.

love - and i mean that,
me.

missed connection

you rolled on top of me last night in a dark room on a stranger's bed. your face was about 2 inches from mine. neither of us took that next step.

you're bad news, so am i, and we both know it. wanna makeout?

the way it is

a girl i don't know commissioned me to make a mix cd for her, with a curveball. the keyword was "thunder." i guess i could have gone in a lot of directions with it, but i opted for the electricity in the air just before the rain falls, the lightning buzzes, and then the thunder rumbles. it's sort of... the human barometer. you know when there's a good midwestern summer storm coming, and it makes you damn excited.

so i found all the songs that i grew up listening to in my imagination summers. and put them onto a disk. it's quite an eclectic mix, too.

that's really my whole story. i would say more, but i'm not sure what to write. i'm having a writer's block issue the size of neptune right now.

i finished still life with woodpecker tonight, finally. great ending. i'd re-write it, but that would spoil all the fun. the last sentence is the most important. look it up.