updates

last night i did get a little human contact. and then i kicked a year and a half of recent history out of my apartment. i felt awful, but now i feel okay. i spent the entire day with the most interesting person i've met in a very long time. i can't think of many people who i can just hang out with, but at least now i can think of one more. the video footage is great, and the project is going to be awesome.

disappointments?

it's friday night. nobody has called me. nobody has asked me to go out and do something. do i care? i'm thinking no... not really. what would i do anyway? but still... it reminds me that i have, for all intents and purposes, no really close friends anymore. there are people who i'm close to, but i don't see them often enough. there are people who i see all the time, but i think weekends are everyone's break from everyone. so here i'll sit, listening to my ben folds, waiting till tomorrow when my co-collaborator on my multimedia design for religious pretense calls me. that human contact will probably be all i get all weekend, and it'll be the high point of my weekend. sigh. maybe i should look into getting friends.

old obsessions, new interests

it happens altogether too often.
1.) i remember something i forgot i forgot to remember. and i feel stupid because it was so damn cool to begin with.
2.) if i say hello to something new, it's a lot easier to say goodbye to something old. not that it was even hard anymore, though... sort of like holding a burial ceremony for a bag of trash.

breaking down the barriers

i remember my first acting classes and how terrified i was. i guess it's natural to have a lot of inhibitions, and i certainly vowed to myself that i wasn't going to let them go so easily. then i found myself pointing a fake gun at one of my kids screaming the word "fuck" at the top of my lungs for ten minutes and realized that i had given in and all my boundaries were broken. or were they?
yesterday our department did something called 24-hour theatre, which, i suppose, is rather self-explanatory. i didn't really want to do anything technical for it (because i knew there hardly would be any to begin with) but i really wanted to be involved and i didn't submit an application in time to write or direct, so i signed up for what would be the very first audition of my fledgling acting career. it's not that i ever wanted to pursue acting anyway, but it seemed like fun and it's another really good thing to add to my resumé. anyhow, i was cast as a sarcastic gay guy with messy hair and a homemade "fuck me" t-shirt. cool. i'm pretty gay for a straight guy, so i figured that'd be no problem. i guess it should have occurred to me that playing a gay guy meant i had to play a guy attracted to other guys. attracted enough even to kiss one. and when the stage directions told me to do so, there wasn't much i could do besides kiss the guy or leave.

so i kissed another guy. on a stage in front of hundreds of people. and strangely enough, most people have just been telling me how nice it was to see me on the stage instead of behind it. weird, huh?

time to let go

already? it's only the second day of the semester, and my personal life has evaporated. a little ahead of schedule, if you ask me. i don't like that every day i feel like a new person with a new mission. i certainly don't like that i oscillate between love and hate for some people who are very close to me within the course of a few hours. i wonder... who will i be by summertime?

i'm not quite sure. all i know is this - there won't be much time to post my blathering on any one of my (1,2,3,4!) blogs, so i guess i'll have to alternate. since i'm not entirely sure anyone has ever even seen this page yet, i guess it's no harm, no foul if i let it go till i find time. right? right?

(i feel like a little kid trying to confront the monster in the closet. i think you're out there, but i could just be typing this to myself.)

one year from now, i'll look at this entry and marvel at how clever/ridiculously stupid my words used to be.

alt-country music

today i got into an argument with L. i was shamefully admitting that i spent a good part of my morning listening to brad paisley. my reasoning was simple: he's one of the few pros in a field of amateurs. i don't necessarily like what he does, i just like how he does it - because it's better than his peers. (example: tim burton directs a porn film) while we argued, i started citing examples of how country music more pervasive than we think. now i'm in the process of creating february's playlist (a bit early... but that's okay). country songs that don't sound like modern-day popular country music. i'll post the list here when it's done.

//edit

thank god. i didn't win the guitar. i just saw what is quite possibly the world's cooelst invention: the mac mini. it would only cost me $479. you have no idea how much i'd like one. (hint: it's a LOT). i bet i could get good money for this computer on ebay. i REALLY think i need a mac mini.

introducing...

so this is my first post on blogger. already, i've been looking around at some of the other sites on here, and i'm pretty convinced that this site is a bit more intellectually stimulating as xanga, where i have my other blogs (one that is permanently in the state of emo, the other that i only write asinine stuff i observe, mostly on the bus. oog. i'm a winner).

anyhow, i've spent the majority of the weekend sitting in this chair, wasting time. i got a student loan refund, so i found myself wasting away around ebay, looking for a guitar. unfortunately, i'm picky and i'm cheap; it's going to be a long search. i found something i liked that was holding at a really low amount, so i made the mistake of bidding on it - and bidding a lot. there's a lesson to be learned here. had i not done that, the person who was already the high bidder would have been outbid by the person who outbid me, and i would still have remained lurking around trying to figure out the best way to win this thing for a reasonable price. however, i did not adopt that course of action. rather, i put down a huge bid right away to solidify my spot on top of the hill till someone else ousted me (something i figured would only happen in the last hour or so if at all). not the case. it happened about an hour ago. unfortunately, my emotions ran away with me, and i started revenge-bidding so that if i wasn't going to win this guitar, at least the person who was would pay dearly for it. it's a dangerous game of chicken, however. i started bidding higher and higher, gleefully knowing that i was going to push this thing up like crazy (and the seller was going to LOVE me). the only problem is that i blew my load too early. i overshot by a few dollars, and now i'm the high bidder with four hours left. the bid is only $8 less than my maximum, but because i spent a good ten minutes inflating the price of this god-forsaken guitar beyond the range that a normal person would probably want to pay for it. in a way, i just did exactly what every seller on ebay hopes for. i got into a duel with another bidder and we threw our better judgement to the wind trying to make each other pay more for something as revenge for not being able to win it ourselves.

i'm getting long-winded here, aren't i? i guess i'll wrap this up with a moral: stay away from eBay. extra money disappears really fast that way.