love needs a heart
last week one of my good friends got beaten and stabbed by a gang of ten or so random guys.
it's made me really re-think a few things. and it's made me start praying more. i can't help him in any other way than listening to him. and i know that helps, but it doesn't feel like enough. i haven't been in this place in awhile, but i'm starting to remember this feeling, and i don't know what to do with it.
this week, a girl i was really close to in high school (and have since fallen way, way out of touch with) contacted me via myspace. she's married now. and she always had a crush on me. i sort of avoided her most of my senior year of high school, because i was stupid and immature. it dawned on me that since her, i've only had maybe 3 other people who got that close (or anything near to it) and they are, by and large, all gone the same way she went.
i'm starting to feel lonely in a way i've never felt lonely. lonely for being the person who never makes the effort to be better friends, or to stay in touch with old friend. i'm the guy who disappears off the face of the planet and re-emerges five years later, completely different and yet completely the same.
don't worry, i frustrate myself almost as much as i frustrate everyone else around me sometimes.
this sort of loneliness is making me miss my ex-girlfriend. not her, per se, but the feeling of having someone who i knew was there whenever i wanted her or needed her. i miss kate, too. because i think if i've met anyone in the past few years, she's as good a candidate as anyone i've ever met to become the next leap of faith. perhaps i could use one right about now.
i don't find it funny that jackson browne's "love needs a heart" came up on shuffle while i was writing this post. that song sums up my attitude altogether too well these days.
it's made me really re-think a few things. and it's made me start praying more. i can't help him in any other way than listening to him. and i know that helps, but it doesn't feel like enough. i haven't been in this place in awhile, but i'm starting to remember this feeling, and i don't know what to do with it.
this week, a girl i was really close to in high school (and have since fallen way, way out of touch with) contacted me via myspace. she's married now. and she always had a crush on me. i sort of avoided her most of my senior year of high school, because i was stupid and immature. it dawned on me that since her, i've only had maybe 3 other people who got that close (or anything near to it) and they are, by and large, all gone the same way she went.
i'm starting to feel lonely in a way i've never felt lonely. lonely for being the person who never makes the effort to be better friends, or to stay in touch with old friend. i'm the guy who disappears off the face of the planet and re-emerges five years later, completely different and yet completely the same.
don't worry, i frustrate myself almost as much as i frustrate everyone else around me sometimes.
this sort of loneliness is making me miss my ex-girlfriend. not her, per se, but the feeling of having someone who i knew was there whenever i wanted her or needed her. i miss kate, too. because i think if i've met anyone in the past few years, she's as good a candidate as anyone i've ever met to become the next leap of faith. perhaps i could use one right about now.
i don't find it funny that jackson browne's "love needs a heart" came up on shuffle while i was writing this post. that song sums up my attitude altogether too well these days.
posted by Adam at
12:02 AM
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