the way it is

a girl i don't know commissioned me to make a mix cd for her, with a curveball. the keyword was "thunder." i guess i could have gone in a lot of directions with it, but i opted for the electricity in the air just before the rain falls, the lightning buzzes, and then the thunder rumbles. it's sort of... the human barometer. you know when there's a good midwestern summer storm coming, and it makes you damn excited.

so i found all the songs that i grew up listening to in my imagination summers. and put them onto a disk. it's quite an eclectic mix, too.

that's really my whole story. i would say more, but i'm not sure what to write. i'm having a writer's block issue the size of neptune right now.

i finished still life with woodpecker tonight, finally. great ending. i'd re-write it, but that would spoil all the fun. the last sentence is the most important. look it up.

bonding (like all atoms do)

my new roommate, jason, moved in tonight. so he may be 31 years old. he may be a recovering alcoholic. he may be ... *gasp!* gay... (yes mom, so deal with it). he may be waiting tables at a don pablo's in bloomington, and he may be working 3rd shift at UPS. none of these things make him a bad person or even a bad roommate prospect - however, it's clear that he and i are pretty different. still, i think this is going to work out nice. i'm actually kind of excited. we had our first bonding experience tonight, driving to don pablo's to get a late dinner.

he pulled out a cigarette and started smoking it. and finished smoking it. and then threw it out the window. into the side of a state trooper's car.

red lights, blah, blah. turns out his license was suspended. and he has no insurance. due to parking tickets. unpaid parking tickets on a car he gave away to someone who never transferred the title, apparently. so i ended up having to drive his car back to our apartment. we ordered pizza and hung out. it should be a fun summer. i hope. at least my apartment won't be so messy.

privacy

this post is just between you, me, and the wall. oh, and anyone else who finds it.

here's the lowdown. the absolute truth lowdown.

i think i've been kicked one too many times. you know when you're running and you're all out of breath and finally your body realizes that no matter how much it can't keep going, you're not going to stop, so it quits fighting you and you find yourself in that odd state of equilibrium where you can simply run forever? that's how i feel right now. it's like kicking a child so many times that they sort of come to expect it and eventually just curl up in the corner alone instead of crying.

i don't really know what the deal is with me. i feel like i'm socially bankrupt. i never call anyone, but even if i did, who would i call? i have a zillion acquaintances and no real close friends. the thing is, i think this bothers me less than i think, because i'm not really doing anything about it. if anything, i've pushed things farther down that road by making more superficial acquaintances. it's really frustrating because i know i'm not charismatic enough to rely on that sort of stuff to keep me busy. i'm a friend, not a dude. that's just the way it is.

i finally found someone who really likes me, too. and really wanted to have something to do with me. or at least hang out with me. and then she up and moved on me. and sort of fell off the face of the earth in the process. so here i am, after work (where i almost stayed late just so i'd have something to do), all alone, and looking at a long night of being by myself.

it's not like i don't enjoy my alone time. however, i've taken as much of it as i could in the last 8 months or so because i wasn't giving myself any prior to that. and now maybe i've gone the other way on that one too, because i'm not getting any non-alone time anymore. i didn't really think i was lonely until recently, but it's starting to eat away at me. because i don't know how to change it. i don't think i know anyone who i want to be better friends with.

i get sick of stuff so fast. friends, jobs, majors, girls, hobbies... everything.

this is a big sigh because i don't know what to do anymore.

SIGH.